Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I am a lazy bitch. For any of you thinking "but you graduated college! in three years!" shut up. I have absolutely no idea how that happened since I spent most of those three years watching House on DVD, playing super nintendo, drinking, and judging hipsters. Anyways, somehow for teacher-training-school I got assigned almost THREE TIMES the amount of work that anyone else did (I know this because I went online to look at their list of assignments. lazy AND vengeful). Instead of working, like, super hard on all this, I've spent the past week watching House on DVD, playing geo-quiz on Facebook, drinking, and judging rednecks. Will I be the first to fail teacher training school? By some twist of fate will my teacher-training teacher slip and fall in the same way my freshman year piano teacher did? Leaving him clutching his back and popping pain killers all class? Until his eyes glaze over and he just starts staring at my boobs (A cups, that's how stoned he was) and ignoring how massively incorrect all my chord transpositions are? Because I'm all about easy A's.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
- I went to work an hour late today, which meant I had to stay an hour late. Past five o'clock is when all the guys gather around one office door and talk about their corporate basketball team. They dissect each play like an NBA title was on the line, even trash talking some other office teams. All this commentary is most delightful in light of the fact that they are middle aged white men and their "plays" usually include getting poked in the eye or tripping on the way to a lay up. Occasionally, someone tosses out a gem like "I think I can be there on Saturday but it's my wife's birthday so I'll have to get permission.
- The "payroll guy" at the test prep office uses smiley faces in his e-mails. Nothing makes me angrier than smiley faces. I don't know why.
- I feel like this blog should be something bigger than a narcissistic outlet for my awkward tendencies. But unfortunately, occasionally humorous, mini-essays about my embarrassing existence are the only things I have any expertise in. Except economics. Would you rather read about economics? I guess I could share my insight on the stimulus package. Main street versus wall street and the like. Although, all the major news outlets have information on that sort of thing. I'm probably the only site that can tell you about how today someone walked in on me practicing my "runway walk" in the bathroom this afternoon.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Nook [nook] -noun: The crook of a boy's shoulder where a girl's head fits perfectly in a very snug way. Although the nook may be exercised in a standing or seated position, it is considered ideal when in a prone position. With the female's head perched between shoulder and neck she will find it easy to drape her leg over his, flutter her eyelashes against his neck, and trace the outline of his jaw, collarbone or ear. He will find it easy to smell her hair, run his fingers over her back, and playfully smack her on the butt. When two participants properly utilize a nook they will find themselves suspended in time and space; squishy and a little sweaty but not even considering showering or exercising or working or doing anything other than pressing their nose up against the neck of the other and sneaking in the smell of their skin. It is widely considered to be the nirvana of the snuggling world.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
- The Swirl Cone: Nothing makes me more happy than soft serve ice cream. Seriously, I could probably survive on McFlurries alone (also, how weird is it that I properly pluralized McFlurry?). This is epitomized by the great swirl cone. While waiting in line for ice cream, J asked what I was getting. When I said the swirl cone she breathed a sigh of relief and said "Okay good, I was worried we couldn't be friends anymore." Real friendships are built on the perfect combination of vanilla and chocolate.
- The Foam Finger: As a huge fan of the fist pump, I've needed a foam finger in my life for a long time. Not only does it lend a vintage vibe to your cheering, it also breeds awkwardness, which clearly I need more of.
- The Ridiculous People Sitting Next to Us: To my left I had the sonic boom clapper. The woman was an average sized gray haired lady with manicured red nails, a Wildcat charm bracelet, and victorian style lace up boots that women of a certain age seem to like. She appeared to be totally harmless. And she was until someone: scored, made a rebound, dribbled the ball well, was substituted in, went to the bench, made a layup, made a free throw, etc. Because at these moments (approximately every 7 seconds) she would start clapping. And her clap was eerily reminiscent of a firecracker. Two minutes into the first half I felt my hearing start to dwindle in my left ear.
- "Put that jacket back on you sweat hog!" and also "Take that jacket off, it's yellow!" Tennesse coach Bruce Pearl wears a bright orange blazer when playing UK or Vanderbilt in honor of the late UT coach Ray Mears. Apparently this offended our neighbor, but he couldn't decide how to channel that anger into an effective suggestion for the coach.
- "We're not going to lose to a bunch of rednecks/hillbillys! Go back to your trailer!" I later suggested to J that perhaps we should have recommended Jeff Foxworthy's DVD "You Might Be a Redneck If..." to him for some self awareness education.
- "They're from Tennessee, it's okay if you need to hit them in the mouth!" UK was the recipient of some really unfortunately refereeing choices tonight, one of them being that anytime one of our players touched a UT player we got called but they were allowed to do whatever they wanted to us without penalty. This happens all the time so I let it go, but this man decided that the answer was an increased level of violence. This way, whenever we got called it would at least be for a reason. He at several time advocated for them to all just start punching each other.
- "I hope you choke on a Pearl!" I'm thinking this in reference to the last name of the Coach, but I think it's one of those pre-thought out insults that works better in your head.
- To the referee, "How much is that Jew paying you?" And in reference to the coach "A-rab! Get back on your camel and go home!" Bruce Pearl is Jewish and from Boston. As far as I know he has no Arabic ties. So not only is this blatantly offensive to both Jews and Arabs, it is made additionally offensive by his inability to recognize the two as separate groups of people. Awesome. Way to prove everyone's prejudices against the South right. Now excuse me while I go spend the rest of my life spreading goodwill to others to cancel out your existence.
- "Put some nuts on top and he'd be a drumstick." Does anyone know what this means? At first I was really confused because I was associating drumstick with chicken wings, until I remembered they are a type of ice cream bar often plucked from gas station freezers. But is being called an ice cream bar offensive? The next time I'm mad at someone should I say "Scallop his edges decoratively and he'd be an ice cream sandwich?"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
- Chacos: Was wearing a plaid shirt and khakis, again. Suspect this is a uniform and in the summer the only difference is the khakis become khaki shorts. This is probably for the best because is clearly incapable of buying correctly fitting pants. Too tight, and too short. Clearly hasn't gotten to that point in his marriage where his wife buys all his clothes.
- Stripes: Again with the striped socks! Isn't the sort of person that would answer "what time is it?" with instructions for building a clock but rather a historic look at the use of clocks throughout transcendental literature. Tonight I noticed that his left hand fingernails were clipped but not the right. Probably plays the cello. Hopefully in a jazz quartet.
- Ted: Had a similar khaki length issue. And was wearing frightful brown shoes. Feel like by the end of the session will have found a way to sneak in lesson on inseam length and non-square-toed-loafers as an ACT example.
I wrote a blog post today, I swear I did. But it got stuck in my Blackberry and I can't get it to go to the internet so I'm sorry. It had to do with me being awkward at work (surprise!), i.e. getting bored and then jogging down and then back up nine flights of stairs. It wasn't really that interesting but so it goes. I would write you a new one but I have to run to teacher school at the moment so I will later.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
- Today at work I was a fatty and ate my lunch during my 10 o'clock break. So in an effort to avoid eating two lunches, I scurried to the library at noon to browse for books with titles like "Men, Who Needs 'Em!" and "Cheating Men and the Women who Love Them" just for funsies. Unfortunately, I underestimated the degree to which the public library attracts homeless men like flies. And now am pretty sure I have developed some sort of disease from being trapped in an elevator with a good half dozen of them all coughing up a storm for just under thirty seconds.
- In relaying my cast of characters from ACT training, I totally left out the actual teachers! I shall call the main instructor "Chaco," in reference to the footwear, because he graduated from a small biblical college near Lexington (where you're not allowed to dance, wear sweatpants, etc.), has a full beard, wears Patagonia-esque plaid collared shirts, MUST be a youth group leader and, I imagine, takes the aforementioned youth group on camping trips and says things like "hey man, let's go around the circle and share our feelings about JC." (FYI: I'm not trying to harsh on the Christians here. I'm just really sensitive to the antics of youth group leaders because I was raised agnostic and spent many many childhood and teenage years fending them off and saying "seriously! I don't have a void! I have my virginity and a great relationship with my parents!").
- The assistant teacher (who I wish I could call by his real name because it so aptly works for him) I shall call "Stripes." Think "zany" socks, strawberry blond curls, and the most patronizing voice you have ever heard. He poses the biggest threat to my employment because nothing annoys me more than someone using their super faux-mellow 'hey are you coming on the dominican mission trip? it's gonna be really rad' patronizing voice when it is in reference to something completely asinine, like how I need to remind kids to use the online study materials.
- In other news, now that I'm back to ground zero in my job search, I've gone back to considering the Lexington apartment I looked at. It perfectly suits my needs and is cheap; the only thing standing in the way of me moving out is having to summon up the courage to tell my mother. It may be an insurmountable task.
Monday, February 16, 2009
So see how below it says I'm going to DC? Ignore that. The company I was going to interview with revoked their offer to pay for my airfare there (three days before the interview!). Had they told me originally I'd only be reimbursed if I was hired, I would have considered it. But how can I justify flying to DC to interview with a company so disorganized they couldn't even give me the right information off the bat or suck up the cost of their mistake? Anyways, I'm a little bummed about this development but am trying to stay positive; maybe I'll take that apartment in Lexington after all?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
- Guess who is going to DC next week for a job interview? Unfortunately this means I'm going to miss my next ACT training class so it'll be two weeks before my next update on Ducky and Standardized Test gang but you will get to hear: travel horror stories, tales of how ridiculous I look in skirt suits, and epic "an example of when I resolved a workplace conflict" sagas.
- This weekend I went to Virginia for an under 24 hour vacation to attend a gallery opening of my cousin's. In exchange for driving 5 hours into the hills of Virginia and being on "alcoholic grandfather at open bar event" duty, Mama Strapless Living treated me to a trip to Beaty's shoes in Kingsport, TN. And behold:
Friday, February 13, 2009
* Ducky: The "golly gee aww shucks" attorney that is training to teach the SAT. Did not score high enough on the LSAT to administer the exam, which makes me really nervous that she is actually practicing law. Is married to a man from Holland and has a child. Has super short butch hair cut and is either pregnant or severely apple shaped. Wore extremely high heels that caused her to flop excessively from side to side while walking. Is color blind.
* Ted: First year medical student at UK, training to teach the MCAT. Has two bachelors and a masters and was wearing a very slim fitting polo probably because he hasn't bought clothes since high school. Is the sort of guy that doesn't understand the reasoning behind undershirts and wears Steve Madden "casual bowling style" shoes. When the teacher told us how much the courses cost for students (A LOT) and what you would want to get for paying that much he laughed and said "a massage," but I'm pretty sure he really wanted to say "a happy ending?"
* Thin Mint (TM): Really friendly Indian guy in Abercrombie and Fitch; going to teach the MCAT. Is already the teacher's favorite. Has super strict parents so thinks that going away to Gatlinburg for the weekend his senior year of college is "wild." Talks incessantly about how much he skips class, as if this makes him appear smarter. Is going to get on the nerves of Ted halfway through next week. Kept referring to himself as a "third year senior," which I know is annoying because I wanted to do it all the time last year (what's the point of working so hard if people don't know about it?) but recognized it was totally shameless.
* Peanut Butter Pattie (PBP): Knows Thin Mint from school, also a "third year senior" Indian kid going to UK medical school next year. Is more "nice guy you want to be your lab partner" than frat boy though. Has a sort of...warble(?) in his voice that makes it difficult to understand him but he will probably annoy me the least overall.
* Pepper Ann: Going to teach the MCAT. Goes to the same small school in Lexington as my best friend (host of the BC themed party) but whom my friend doesn't really "know or like" (not a good sign when there are only 1200 people on campus). Carried a Mickey Mouse tote bag and talked about how her boyfriend is deciding between going to Harvard Business School or straight to work for Microsoft. I will try to like here because I'll feel guilty for not but will be unable to get past the Disney accessories.
* The Kid: Preparing to teach the PCAT (pharmacy school exam). Although he didn't explicitly do this, seems like the kind of guy that would say "hey, alright" before and after every sentence. Makes girls uncomfortable because it's hard to tell if he's hitting on you. Was the person who showed up without a pen.
So there you have it; introductions all around. Now be prepared to get a weekly update every Thursday night or Friday morning for the next month on their nuances, awkward moments, and balatantly obnoxious behavior.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
- when listening to NPR talk about the recession, it is totally acceptable to yell pretentious things at your car stereo like "oh my god are you retarded? that is totally a monopoly under the Sherman Act! you just have to define you market in different terms! like they did with netscape navigator!" because it will make you feel better about having a degree in something nonsensical like economics.
- some magazines claim that when you're craving chocolate you can kill that craving by eating a tablespoon of peanut butter. leaving a jar of peanut butter in your filing cabinet (um, did you think I actually have files in there?) is a good idea. Not being bothered to get a spoon from the break room and taking a big glob with your index finger is not a good idea if your boss is coming around the corner. Peanut butter finger=gross for others to see.
- do not joke to your pharmacist that taking birth control is cheaper than a boob job. she will not laugh. in fact she will sternly stare you down and tell you all the potential side effects from the pill until you are convinced you are going to die of a blood clot.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Today I didn't blog at work (still too scared to use e-mail. although since HR already knows that my friend suggested I take condoms to my last date, I don't know what I have to be scared of) and then on my way home (in the middle of a tornado. seriously, god is like "dude, hannah, between the ice storm and your mom, I don't know how else to convince you to move out of this state") I got called for an impromptu phone interview. Which I'm really pscyhed about but it robbed me of my ability to properly string words together. I had to use so much energy to give examples of my leadership style that now if you asked me to tell you a story I would just stare blankly and then perhaps hiccup. But there are things to be told. So tomorrow I promise to do absolutely no work at work and put pen to paper for you instead. Because I love all three of you dedicated readers and I know you sat around today going "I know Hannah royally embarrassed herself this afternoon but how?"
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
- For some reason I think it's totally okay to say "ugh, abort." whenever I do something retarded, see something ugly, or someone is telling a run on joke that will never be funny. More than once someone has been talking about a baby and I've been clueless enough to not change my catch phrase. Am pretty sure this makes me evil.
- Am going to look at a place to sublet tomorrow. Realize that if I don't change something about my current living situation I will fall into a deep pit of despair (perhaps fall further into a deep pit of despair is more accurate). Ideally this change would include a new area code and place of employment but cutting my 45 minute commute down to 3 minutes is at least a step in the right direction.
- I tivoed "Lagerfeld Confidential" from the Sundance Channel last night and have been surprised how much Karl and I have in common. Seriously, he's all "I was raised without religion, worrying about sin is such a waste of time," and "I hate people that try too hard. Work hard but always appear casual." If I didn't have my father's nose I would be convinced that he was my real father. Have already upped my daily ring wearing quota from two to three since viewing.
Monday, February 9, 2009
- It was like a hundred degrees today. And I was that asshole at lunch who went out in their coat and scarf while there were people walking around in shorts. Awkwardly disrobing while walking and then carrying your coat around=looking like an idiot.
- Troy was on FX tonight and I tivoed it just so I could watch that part with Brad Pitt and the priestess where he slides his hand up her dress. Does this make me a perv?
- I think I need to go on a cell phone hiatus. Sometimes I actually hallucinate my text message noise. But without it I'll have to work all day at work. Not sure that is going to be feasible. I'd probably turn into one of those girls that eats their hair.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
- I broke my old prescription sunglasses and had to drop an unfortunately large penny on new ones since I am extremely blind and not super attracted to clip on shades. But, they are super adorable and now all I have to do is wait eagerly for spring.
- Panera hazelnut cream cheese has fewer grams of saturated fat than the regular reduced fat kind. Just in case you, like me, forgo the hazelnut because you think it's bad for you, you're now off the hook.
- Last night I went drinking with my friend and we ran into a boy she went to school with. I decided that he was adorable and they need to go on dates and so I undertook the task of distracting his OBNOXIOUS friend. At the end of the night I was pretty drunk and obnoxious friend asked for my phone number. For some reason I felt like if I gave him an entirely fake number that would be too mean, so I would just change the last digit of my real phone number (I recognize this makes you no sense, like I said, I was drunk). Of course in my intoxicated state I totally failed this mission and gave him my real number. He called. I now have another phone number listed as "do not pick up."Good.
Friday, February 6, 2009
- If you ever make homemade macaroni and cheese (which you totally should, it's so easy and good, I'll send you my recipe if you want) you should for sure bake tomato slices on the top and put paprika and nutmeg in it. But make sure you're not using old nutmeg that will get all lumpy because then you'll be merrily eating your leftovers and bite into a huge clump of nutmeg and the overwhelming taste will send you into eye watering coughing fit in your workplace break room. It will be embarrassing.
- If you skateboard, please do not do so in the middle of the road. I respect your right to use an alternative vehicle but when I come over a hill and you're going 7 miles per hour in front of me there is a good chance I will kill you. Or at least freak out and start screaming while slamming on my breaks. So, please, take your environmentally friendly form of transportation to less busy streets (i.e. ones without a 45mph speed limit) or the sidewalk.
- Dear friendly middle aged man in the post office: I am in a good mood today because it was sunny for the first time in months and that is why I did not initially give you my patented glare when you struck up conversation in line. But under no circumstances do I want to know how much your packages weighs, guess what is in your package, or give you credit for making perverted puns using the word "package."
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
How is it only Tuesday? Seriously, today feels like it should be, at the very least, a Wednesday. I'm totally over the work week, my new Ben Kweller album that came in the mail yesterday was a disappointment, and it snowed here again (FYI: Kentuckians, not so good in the snow). Plus, I'm having post hook up anxiety regarding Friday Night Boy. Mostly in the fact that I would greatly enjoy going out with him again but realize I totally screwed that up by getting naked on our first date (love of puns and nautical themes? how was I supposed to keep my clothes on?). Anybody have any good advice for deslutting myself? Mediocre advice, even, would be appreciated. Or should I trade in my grandmother's pearls, my patent leather headbands, and a closet full of Ralph Lauren and admit that maybe I'm just not as classy as I thought?
P.S. I'm getting hair cut on Thursday; please excuse the fug bangs.
Monday, February 2, 2009
- Did anyone watch the super bowl last night? I totally forgot it was on until like ten o'clock. But congratulations to any members of the "steelers' nation" that might be reading. I was super impressed by the last quarter, but I don't know ANYTHING about football so that might not count for much; I kept going "wow, that was awesome!" on totally mediocre plays and not understanding the exciting ones. But when they made the final touchdown my dad actually jumped up and down on our ottoman and attempted to justify the behavior by saying that President Obama was probably doing the same thing
- Do all moms capitalize MOM when ending their e-mails? It always feels like she's yelling at me.
- Last night I had a dream that I was in charge of relocating an entire fraternity to this crazy futuristic hotel and it required lots of manipulating the hotel staff on my part. Am trying not to read too much into this.
- My dad is taking my mother to Paris for their 25th wedding anniversary. Am trying to find this cute since for most of my youth my parents' barely noticed eachother and a couple of years' ago my dad felt the need to complain to me about how my mother pressured him into marrying her even though he wasn't ready. Pretty much ruined any delusion I had that men will eventually mature and stop saying things like "I wasn't ready!" when they are 50 years old.
- Michael Phelps got caught smoking a bong. I find this hilarious. NerF/Designer's Brew, maybe you should add this illegal substance to your swimming regimen? Love New York Magazine's Daily Intel blog post about it which included the following: His apology was clevery worded. "I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me." Translation: "I'm just a kid. Remember when you were 23? You smoked pot and sat around with your hand down your pants. I won eight gold medals wearing pants so tight my junk barely fits down there."
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Buckle up, I'll take you through the five speeds
Wind it up, or I can slow it way down
In the woods or right uptown.